Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
