actually, I'm a sock model
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
