I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
