There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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