i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
