My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
