Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
