I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
