my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
