Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
