The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
