We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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