I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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