Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize