my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
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She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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