He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
