Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
