The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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