I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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