Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
