He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
