Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
