I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
