i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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