she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
