I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
