sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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