my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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