If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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