I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
