that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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