First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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