I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
