Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
