onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
should my penis look like a turkey
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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