and you said cock pushups were impossible
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
