He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
