i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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