dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
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but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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