Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
