If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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