do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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