can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
