I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
