The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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