He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
