Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
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Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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