my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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