Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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