i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
