I'm jealous of your bromance
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.