She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here