my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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