So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
