I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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