she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
